“Boss Hogg” Burns

April 17, 2006 in Conrad Burns

Pogie has a treasure trove of new Conrad Burns stories.

First Burns made Time’s list of the five worst Senators:

"The Shock Jock" — As the Republican chairman of an Appropriations and a Commerce subcommittee, he has plenty of power, and he has used it over his 17 years in Washington to bring $2 billion to Montana. Yet the former Marine is in trouble. For starters, he is serially offensive. As for legislating, the former farm-radio broadcaster's record over three terms is meager. Burns' real problem, however, is not with making law but with staying on the right side of it. Federal investigators are looking into his ties to Jack Abramoff, the lobbyist who has admitted bribing lawmakers, Time reports.

Congratulations, Senator!

No doubt Burns’ office will spin this as another example of East-coast elites trying to bump the good Senator from office to pursue an immoral liberal agenda of killing babies and forcing children into homosexual relationships.

To be frank, the folks responsible for putting Burns at the bottom of the list are elites (tho’ it’s not specified where they hang out). According to the report, the ranking of Senators was informed by “dozens of academics, political scientists and current and former U.S. senators…” If you, like me, realize that experts in the field (and probably bi-partisan, too), have better-informed opinions than average joes like you and me, then the list is all the more impressive for being objective and informed. If that’s elitist, sign me up for elitism.

Ironically the very Senators Burns’ latest campaign ad tries to terrify Montanans with (“Imagine…a Senate dominated by Hillary Clinton and Ted Kennedy…”) appear among the top-ranked Congressional lawmakers. Kennedy finishes in the top ten:

"The Dealmaker" — Over 43 years in the Senate, Democrat Ted Kennedy has fought serial battles on behalf of the working class — from defending overtime pay and workplace-safety regulations to expanding health care and penalizing discrimination. But the key to his legacy is not that he is determined to stick up for his principles. It's that he is willing to compromise on them, Time reports.

And Clinton appears on the list of top five “Up-and-Coming” Senators:

The record of candidate Clinton may be controversial, but in her six short years New York Democratic Sen. Clinton, 58, has earned respect from both parties. Assigned to the Armed Services Committee, she has mastered issues like how to retain Guard and Reserve troops, pushed through legislation educating military families on insurance scams and funded measures to help supply flu vaccine. She has also leveraged her national clout to spotlight important terrorism issues with narrow followings — like the vulnerability of nuclear plants.

No wonder Republicans want to terrify their supporters with the image of Kennedy and Clinton. Apparently they’re effective legislators. If the Democrats gain a Congressional majority and these liberal demons dominate the Senate, folks might realize that they’re receiving better government than they did from a corrupt and incompetent buffoon like Burns. Heck! They might never vote Republican again!

The other bit of news is that Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK) is sure that six House members and a Senator are bound for jail. Who are they?

Coburn said that “if you’ve been keeping up with things, you’ve got a pretty good idea” of who the seven lawmakers are.

Congratulations, Senator Burns. Even members of your own party think you’re guilty and can’t wait for your arrest.

I’m eagerly awaiting Jason Klindt’s spin on these articles. Should be quite amusing.