Operation “Break Daddy”

May 26, 2006 in Various & Sundry

Apparently there is a psychological experiment unfolding at my house. It involves two full-time agents of the malicious researcher – let’s call them X and Y — and a subject, who feels very tired and beaten down today.

The experiment seems to involve breaking down the subject by attacking his capacity to operate under stressful situations while sleep-deprived. I’ve managed to attain the researcher’s notes for the last 14 hours. Here’s an excerpt:

Operation “Sleep Time”

11:45 pm. The subject retires for the night. When he drifts off to sleep, Agent X begins to cry at an elevated volume. Agent X demands the subject’s presence. When the subject enters the room and asks Agent X what she wants, Agent X demands a gesture of affection from the subject. The subject provides Agent X with an embrace. Agent X demands that the subject hold her hand while she drifts off to sleep. The subject holds Agent X’s hand. Agent X falls asleep. The subject releases Agent X’s hand in preparation for returning to sleep. Agent X wakes and demands that the subject hold her hand. The subject refuses. Agent X cries at an elevated volume. Agent Y wakes and asks why Agent X is crying. The subject informs Agent Y of the situation. Agent Y demands that the subject hold his hand, too.

1:00 am. Agent X begins to cry at an elevated volume. Agent X demands the subject’s presence. When the subject enters the room and asks Agent X what she wants, Agent X demands a gesture of affection from the subject. The subject refuses. Agent X cries. The subject gives Agent X a stuffed lion. Agent X informs the subject that she prefers a gesture of affection from the subject than the lion. The subject refuses. The subject claims that providing Agent X with a gesture of affection at 1 am would only encourage her to repeat the experiment. Agent X clutches her lion. The subject returns to bed.

2:30 am. Agent X begins to cry at an elevated volume. Agent X demands the subject’s presence. When the subject enters Agent X’s room, Agent X reiterates her demands, and the 1:00 am scenario is repeated in full, with the exception that a stuffed cat replaces the lion.

4:30 am. Agent X repeats her performance from 1:00 am and 2:30 am, again with the lion.

6:00 am. Agent Y wakes the subject with loud thumping. When the subject goes to Agent Y’s room, Agent Y is kicking his bed with his feet. The subject informs Agent Y that he has woken too early, that Agent Y still has 90 minutes of sleep time remaining.

Agent Y demands books. The subject gives Agent Y several books. Agent Y declares that he doesn’t, in fact, want the books. The subject removes the books from Agent Y’s crib and places them on the floor. Agent Y reissues his demand for the books. The subject turns to go. Agent Y redoubles the effort of demanding books. Fearful of waking Agent X, the subject returns the books to Agent Y, who promptly refuses to accept them. The subject offers Agent Y a choice – in or out? – and indicates that this is the last time Agent Y will be able to make a demand. Agent Y refuses the books.

Operation “Breakfast”

Agent X demands a spoon. The subject brings Agent X a green spoon. Agent X demands a purple spoon and raises her voice. The subject says there are no purple spoons available. Agent X shouts, then cries. Agent X reiterates her demand for the purple spoon. The subject repeats his claim. Agent X repeats her request. The subject says Agent X can use the green spoon or eat with her hands. The subject places the spoon on the table. Agent X picks up the spoon and throws it to the floor. The subject picks up the spoon and puts it on the table. Agent X throws it on the floor again. The subject leaves the spoon on the floor and turns away. Agent X demands the spoon on the floor.

Agent Y, meanwhile, demands cereal. The subject fills Agent Y’s bowl with cereal. The subject picks up the milk and begins to pour milk into Agent Y’s bowl. Agent Y cries. Agent Y indicates his preference for cereal without milk. The subject lifts Agent Y’s bowl and drinks the milk from the bowl and resets the cereal in front of Agent Y. Agent Y demands new cereal and a new bowl. The subject eats the cereal from the bowl, washes the bowl in the sink, and returns the bowl to Agent Y. The subject fills the bowl with cereal. Agent Y demands that the subject put milk in his bowl.

Operation “Playtime”

Agent X demands that the subject carry her. The subject denies her request. The subject explains that he needs to tidy the breakfast dishes and the kitchen area. Agent X retires to the couch and reads. Agent Y demands that the subject carry him. The subject denies his request. The subject explains that he needs to tidy the breakfast dishes and the kitchen area. Agent Y repeats his request. The subject repeats his refusal. Agent Y goes over to the couch and kicks the book Agent X is reading, provoking a strong response from Agent X, which requires intervention by the subject.

After the subject removes the breakfast dishes, cereal, yoghurt, banana peel, granola, milk cups and milk jug, the spoons, plate, and wipes the table and kitchen counter, Agent X demands a second breakfast. The subject provides Agent X with a fresh bowl, cereal, and milk. Agent X eats her cereal.

Agent Y demands that the subject read him a book. The subject complies. When Agent Y is seated upon the subject’s lap and the book has been selected for reading, Agent Y demands a second breakfast. The subject lifts Agent Y and brings him to the table where Agent X is eating. Agent Y demands to read a book. The subject turns and returns to the couch. Agent Y reissues his demand for a second breakfast. The subject returns Agent Y to his chair at the table, whereupon Agent Y expresses his heartfelt desire to read. The subject offers Agent Y a choice – reading or eating? – and insists that whatever Agent Y chooses, he will do that, regardless of how his sentiments may change. Agent Y demands to play outside. The subject refuses the demand; Agent X is still eating. Agent Y must wait for Agent X to finish her cereal.

Agent Y repeats his demand to play outside.