Archive for July 29th, 2006

I’m away on vacation when Burns gets primal on some firefighters? Just my luck. I missed the furor, Burns’ “apology“, hot shot reactions, etc & co.

It’s not every day that a partisan hack like myself is handed such a gem from a prominent politician. And me away on vacation!Nonetheless, the wheels of 4&20 blackbirds must continue to churn! Luckily I got my hands on a secret memo from Burns’ campaign, an interesting document that appears to be penned by the Senator himself! Apparently the Senator has been meeting with some of his constituents, and boy is he hopping mad! Here are some future targets of Burns’ wrath (names removed to protect the innocent):

Teachers. XXXXX told me some fancy east coast elite flunked his son in algebra! You think the money XXXXX pays to Andover Academy would guarantee his son git all As! Outrage! When I git back to Montana, you bet I’ll give them Billings public high school teachers a piece of my mind! Them over-edercated elites sittin’ around drinking lattes collecting their fat paychecks from the gummit! What do they make anyway? 200 grand? 300 grand?

Police officers. Someone on my staff tol’ me his car was broken into in Missoula at 2am in the parking lot of a strip club. Wha’s goin’ on here? There’s crime in Montana? What are them police officers doin’? Eatin’ donuts? Lazy good fer nothings, collecting their million dollars a year, workin’ four-hour shifts! Wait til I give them cowardly do-nuthins’ a piece o’ my mind!

U.S. soldiers. Ol’ VP XXXXX tol’ me that there oil in Iraq still ain’t secure! Plus he says Halliburton stock’s droppin — some malingerer complained about water quality his company supplies to a base. When I was a Marine gas prices was cheap! Whadda them lazy folks in Iraq doin’? Someone tol’ me that there’s still fightin’ goin on over there, too! What the h[*]ll? What’s it been? A couple of months since we invaded? What are them lazy soldiers doin’? Sittin around fraternizin’ with Iraqi girls? Smoking freaky weed? I’m gittin’ on a plane and flyin’ over there and givin them grunts a piece of my mind! With the money we pay them boys and the top-of-the-line equipment they get, they better not be sittin’ on their duffs on R-and-R enjoyin’ the sights of Baghdad, or they’ll hear from me!

Preemies. Met with the insurance lobbyist boys. They hoppin’ mad about the costs Missoula’s Community Hospital is rackin’ up in their infant ICU, takin’ care of all them babies too lazy to work to stay in the womb and work on their lungs and heart, instead choosin’ to git a free ride in them incubators where nurses feed them by hand and doctors always peekin’ in to see how they doin’! Can’t wait to get to the hospital to give them babies a piece of my mind! I should also give them pregnant welfare moms a piece of my mind, too, let ’em know they gotta carry to term!

As you can see, Connie is on the warpath against all the parasites of society who slack off and allow things to go to h*ll. Strap on your seat belts, Montana, else Burns will be in your face letting you know exactly what’s wrong with you!

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