Archive for April 18th, 2011

By Duganz

April 18, 2011

Dear America,

Well, another year another dollar, right? Okay, I know. It’s wwwwaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy more than “a dollar.” For many of you it’s the equivalent of a month’s salary (post-tax that is), and for some–GE–it’s nothing. It’s important to note however that GE makes TONS of shitty investments that they can then write off. Couple that with their already ample tax loopholes and you’ve got a big fat nothing from this giant multi-national.

Now that’s what I call freedom!

Speaking of freedom, remember today that your Uncle Sammy supports the troops, and so do you! It’s a de facto support, meaning that if you didn’t support the troops through taxes we’d haul your ass to jail faster than the decent of a crumbling Southwest Airline plane (which your tax dollars subsidize by the way)! And what is that “support” costing you? Well, providing freedom in two non-America nations costs money (we’re starting that third, but, dang it, getting the Republicans to fight a black man’s war is much harder than it was getting Democrats to fund two wars under a neocon).

The breakdown is this: It cost $685,000/per year/per soldier in Iraq, and $1.2million/per year/per soldier in Afghanistan. Now, just so you know, we’re not paying these guys and gals big money. No. The majority of this cost is just fuel costs to bring them there and feed them–it sure ain’t to keep ’em safe! So, we spend tons on the 117,000 troops in Iraq, and tons on the 98,000 in Afghanistan. Yessir.

Ya know, that’s cheating just using that word “tons.” You deserve better from me. (I mean, look at me with that odd beard and top hat combo–I look like an older Slash meets KFC!)

We spend $80,145,000,000 on troops in Iraq, and $117,600,000,000 in Afghanistan. That’s nearly $200billion to keep men and women in countries that the current president was elected saying he’d end! He even got a “peace” medal for it.

Ready to sing some Lee Greenwood? Well, hold on tight kids cause I’ve got a great comparison that will help you sleep after you tuck in the little ones tonight.

It costs on average $11,000 per year to get a kid educated in public schools K-12. That’s a total cost of $143,000! In other words, it costs, on average 88percent less to give a kid a high school diploma than to keep him in Afghanistan for a year. Hell, we could put a kid through four years of public college for only $36,000 more! Note the use of “could,” as in, “We could, but we don’t.” Costs too damn much! And the kids are dumb as shit! Better to send them to other countries so they can get shot for the sake of…um…

Well, anyhow, it’s getting late and I know most of you have waited until the last minute to file your taxes. So quit reading and press send on your eFile report (or, I guess, lick a stamp like a troglodyte or call your accountant to check the balance of your foreign untaxed accounts).

Thank you again for taking part in this great society. America, fuck yeah!


Your Uncle Sam

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