What will you do to celebrate the last 10 days before the Rapture?

By Duganz

Oh man. I love me some nutty Christians. I do. I love them because every time a nutty Christian makes a big fuss I get to do a little atheist jig (which, by the way, looks like this). And after my jig I get to write snarky blog posts gently mocking the wee gentiles.

Many of you have probably already heard about Harold Camping, an adorable old man whose cute shar pei-like appearance is only matched by his adorable nuttiness.

Harold says that the Rapture, the Christian version of Mardi Gras (ironic, no?) where good Christians get to be taken up to Heaven while the rest of us heathens get to party (much like Mardi Gras, I suppose), is coming. Soon.

Hans Moleman, er, Harold, says the Rapture will happen on May 21–only 10 days from now. That means that we’ve only got 10 more days to put up with The Phelps Family Players, President W., and many more. Camping’s followers claim that 3percent of the world’s population, around 200million will be gone.

And you know what that means: JOBS! What’d you think of the bail out now Ron Paul?

Anyway…

New York Magazine actually interviewed this guy in a serious way, which seems to me like a waste of time, but, whatever. They at least went to the trouble of pointing out that this is Harold’s second prediction on the end of the world. I guess that’s okay because they got him to say this:

[The] Bible has every word in the original language — it was written by God. … [blah blah blah*] … In other words, when we get to May 21 on the calendar in any city or country in the world, and the clock says about — this is based on other verses in the Bible — when the clock says about 6 p.m., there’s going to be this tremendous earthquake that’s going to make the last earthquake in Japan seem like nothing in comparison.

And Harold knows what he’s talking about. Not only has he read the Bible (a book a friend once used in lieu of rolling papers), but he’s also got a camper painted with his prediction. And we all know how accurate Van Art is.

There’s also this exchange from the article that I think shows Harold’s critical thinking capabilities:

You haven’t thought about what you’ll tell your followers on May 22 if the Rapture doesn’t take place?
I’m not even thinking about that at all. It. Is. Going. To. Happen. Because I trust the Bible implicitly, the Bible is God’s word — it’s not from a man, it’s not from an organization of some kind where there’s plenty of room for error. It is the word of God. When God speaks that it is going to happen, the Bible is a very factual book, and God gives many examples of how he has made prophesies and it always has happened in exact accord with what God has prophesied.

I’ve underlined a few sentences from Harold’s quotes as a way for you to test yourself. But here they are again:

“…the Bible has every word in the original language — it was written by God.”

“…the Bible is a very factual book…”

If you read them and nod, then you’re on Camping’s side, please feel free to skip ahead to the comment section and call me atheist scum or post poorly Photoshopped effigies of me. If you read those sentences and gave a chortle, guffaw, chuckle, hoot or laugh, then you’ve obviously taken a science, or history class, or have read the Bible making notes of the constant inaccuracies and inconsistencies found throughout the text.

Regardless, good for you. Unfortunately if Camping is right you’ll be roasting ‘mallows with Lucifer, Dawkins and me (actually that sounds like a good time).

I’ll be in Hawaii during the Rapture, which means that you’ll be dead, ascended, or partying about 4 hours before me. Remember a few things: Drink lots of water, and always know your dealer.

Oh, and if anyone ever tells you they have intimate knowledge of a godhead take the time to point out that if said godhead was knowable it would cease to be a godhead. Point out that to be supernatural is to be unknowable, and then ask the person why their godhead would pick them of the 6billion living people to give this revelation to. Particularly if the crank telling you this jive looks like Hans Moleman.

*blah blahs added for emphasis.
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  1. Keith

    I look forward to having all the country-music folks get sucked away to heaven.

  2. naturally, the date has to be just outside the grace period for my truck payment…… why couldn’t they pick may 19th?

    answer: i will be drinking jack daniels in my boat and fishing.

  3. Great post. This story was on NPR the other morning. I had to laugh like Hell.

  4. If you look at the history of my favorite cult, the Jehovahs Witnesses, they used to predict rapture dates too, until it didn’t happen – LOL

    Tell you what guys, on Dec 31, 1999 I had a Y2K party, where we played cards, played music loud, got awful drunk, and at midnight had a toast to the world ending – and it was fun, even though nothing happened.

    Maybe May 20th would be a good day for another party –

  5. Ryan Emmett Morton

    I’ll be drinking beer in either Helena or Missoula… either way, the rapture (real or not) is worth at least a few shots of whiskey and some PBRs.

    Bless you, Christian loony tunes! You make non-fiction funnier than any fiction writer I’ve read… Maybe I should read more. Anyhoo, raise the roof for the rapture! What what!

  6. Geoff Badenoch

    I have a Peanuts cartoon where Linus and Charlie Brown are discussing how depressing it is that Bob Dylan is turning 30. The cartoon is 40 years old. Bob turns 70 on May 24. I will be terribly bummed if the world ends before that…

  7. Doug

    I will have some ziploc bags in my vehicle. I will drive around looking for empty vehicles crashed into whatever. I will remove the garage door opener and ins. card from the visor and put them in a ziploc, along with any wallets.

    Then I will go to those houses in my p/u truck and open the garage door, back in and close the door.

    Then I will, at my leisure, pack up all their gold, guns, ammo, likker, dope and porn. You know those sexually repressed bastards are gonna have some good shit.

    Open sesame and away I go to the next house. Politely closing the door behind me, of course.

  8. I’ve long been curious about the similarities between eschatology and scatology.

  9. 9999nath

    Did anyone see the picture of the controversial billboard that was recently put up by another spiritual group near Family Radio’s headquarters? It directly challenges them about May 21. Here is a picture of it:

    Billboard Which Challenges Family Radio Right Near Their Headquarters in Oakland, CA about May 21, 2011.

  10. Hilarious! There’s a sign right under that says “donate your car” … Reminds me of that bumper sticker that says “If this car is empty, the rapture is here.”

    I wonder how the Jews feel about Jesus slaughtering all but 144,000 of them? Must make them feel like damned Palestinians.

  11. Pronghorn

    Drivers not using turn signals…just one sign of the end time: LAWLESSNESS.

    “Once again, we can point to the recent killing of Osama Bin Laden. The United States did not follow the rules of war when they gave the order to execute the wanted terrorist, rather than attempt to capture and try him as a war criminal. While there may be many Justifications for this particular event, lawlessness, and a lack of consideration for others has clearly grown in the previous years. Notice how people no longer use their blinker when driving, or park between the lines properly in parking lots. These may seem unrelated to the End of the World, but in fact are perfect examples to prove that May 21 will be Judgement Day.”

    http://judgementday2011.com/may-21-judgement-day/

  12. Sherman

    Harold Camping’s Rapture Hoax

    Hidden behind the rapture date-setting fizzle of May 21, 2011 is one of the greatest untold religion stories of all time!
    Of course “rapture” to 50 million American evangelicals is the “pretribulation rapture view” – a secret return of Christ said to occur several years before the final Second Coming to earth – but most are unaware that it was never a part of any Christian theology before 1830. And their leaders fight hard to cover up recently uncovered facts about its shady 181-year-old history – facts about its rampant plagiarism, devious revisionism of early “rapture” documents, and other dishonesty that journalist/historian Dave MacPherson (known as the “Rush Limbaugh of the Rapture”) has been uncovering since 1968.
    The mainstream media have somehow overlooked his highly endorsed research even though No. 1 religion expert Dr. Martin Marty featured it in 1980 in Christian Century and said that Time or Newsweek should air it. And even though rapture promoters like Hal Lindsey and Tim LaHaye have published their muddied-up versions of it. And even though Bill Moyers touched on it in 2005 in the Minneapolis paper in his article “There is No Tomorrow” which mentioned the “fantastical theology concocted in the 19th century by a couple of immigrant preachers” who have “captivated the imagination of millions of Americans.”
    If this fringe-British-invented “pretrib rapture” escapism had never existed, American fundies could never have had fun (or built fortunes) with their mega-selling books and date-setting games. MacPherson’s bestselling nonfiction book “The Rapture Plot” is in libraries and bookstores, and his many articles on Yahoo, MSN etc. include “Pretrib Rapture Politics” (showing how anti-Catholic, anti-Jewish, and anti-Muslim the rapture is!) and also “Pretrib Rapture Dishonesty.”

  1. 1 It’s the End of the World as We Know it (and I Feel Fine) « 4&20 blackbirds

    […] thread for this glorious, rapturous spring […]




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