Archive for December 31st, 2011


by lizard

Reviewing what happened this past year is for historians like Newt Gingrich. Because there is absolutely nothing we can learn from history, let’s not waste any of our precious time thinking about stuff that’s already happened. Instead, I would like to offer some predictions for the new year. If you’re feeling prophetic, please offer your own predictions in the comments.

JANUARY

Results from UM’s investigation into alleged sexual assaults will be released, determining no charges should be filed due to lack of evidence. In related news, no one from the athletics program or the administration will lose their jobs.

FEBRUARY

The Carlyle Group, having recently closed their deal to purchase Park Water Company with the blessing of the PSC, will eagerly start investing millions into updating the leaky infrastructure, creating more efficiency in the system, thus lowering rates for customers. In related news, Brad will say something mean to Travis, and Travis will say something mean back, and they will both still be making like 90,000 dollars to act like children.

MARCH

Super Tuesday will be super predictable, and Mitt Romney will win the nomination. Republicans will do everything they can to NOT talk about their candidate, while perpetuating the hilarious fiction that Obama is a socialist uber-liberal waging class warfare against unfairly targeted hedge fund managers and health care executives. In related news, our imperialist president will be on the precipice of war with Iran, and gas will be $5 bucks a gallon at the pump.

APRIL

A mentally ill person will attack a police officer, possibly killing him, and it will happen at an occupy encampment. Obama will declare martial law, placing all occupy protestors into FEMA interment camps. Glenn Beck says I told you so in a drunken clip he uploads himself on Youtube.

MAY

Biden says something that makes Israel’s right-wing extremists upset, and they force Obama to dump him for Joe Lieberman. The trial of Julian Assange begins in the states. Bradley Manning continues to be indefinitely detained. Anyone supporting Anonymous will be declared enemies of the state.

JUNE

Sean Penn interrupts a U2 concert to save the children of Haiti, and punches Bono in the face. In related news, Haiti continues to languish in abject poverty while disaster capitalists build exclusive resorts and start work tapping that sweet crude.

JULY

A vast, complex marijuana grow operation in the wilderness near Montana’s border with Canada will be discovered and busted, providing a good opportunity to militarize national parks with homeland security and drone surveillance. In related news, Lake County law enforcement will still be good ‘ol boys.

AUGUST

Being one of three states with a budget surplus comes in handy when a fire season that makes 2000 look like a campfire rages across the west.

SEPTEMBER

David Burgert, Montana’s recent contribution to America’s Most Wanted, is tracked down and taken out by federal authorities in Idaho. Montana Republicans continue to downplay how deep this vein of right-wing extremism runs in their ranks.

NOVEMBER

Turkey backs Iran and China while Russia throws in with Europe as India hits Pakistan. Elections in the US are suspended. Cuba provides a staging ground for first strikes against Venezuela. In obviously unrelated news, Ron Paul quietly dies of a heart attack.

DECEMBER

As global events appear to be spiraling out of control, aliens make brazen contact, offering humanity a chance to redefine their relationship with the natural world with an inexhaustible form of clean energy. When the details of this plan are leaked, including an alien ban on terrestrial television, America is the only country to deny the deal, causing the aliens to isolate America with an impenetrable force field. Outside the force field humanity experiences a degree of peace previously unknown in its entire history of existence. Inside the force field, a real-life version of Mad Max Thunderdome ensues.




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