Totally Realistic Predictions For 2012


by lizard

Reviewing what happened this past year is for historians like Newt Gingrich. Because there is absolutely nothing we can learn from history, let’s not waste any of our precious time thinking about stuff that’s already happened. Instead, I would like to offer some predictions for the new year. If you’re feeling prophetic, please offer your own predictions in the comments.

JANUARY

Results from UM’s investigation into alleged sexual assaults will be released, determining no charges should be filed due to lack of evidence. In related news, no one from the athletics program or the administration will lose their jobs.

FEBRUARY

The Carlyle Group, having recently closed their deal to purchase Park Water Company with the blessing of the PSC, will eagerly start investing millions into updating the leaky infrastructure, creating more efficiency in the system, thus lowering rates for customers. In related news, Brad will say something mean to Travis, and Travis will say something mean back, and they will both still be making like 90,000 dollars to act like children.

MARCH

Super Tuesday will be super predictable, and Mitt Romney will win the nomination. Republicans will do everything they can to NOT talk about their candidate, while perpetuating the hilarious fiction that Obama is a socialist uber-liberal waging class warfare against unfairly targeted hedge fund managers and health care executives. In related news, our imperialist president will be on the precipice of war with Iran, and gas will be $5 bucks a gallon at the pump.

APRIL

A mentally ill person will attack a police officer, possibly killing him, and it will happen at an occupy encampment. Obama will declare martial law, placing all occupy protestors into FEMA interment camps. Glenn Beck says I told you so in a drunken clip he uploads himself on Youtube.

MAY

Biden says something that makes Israel’s right-wing extremists upset, and they force Obama to dump him for Joe Lieberman. The trial of Julian Assange begins in the states. Bradley Manning continues to be indefinitely detained. Anyone supporting Anonymous will be declared enemies of the state.

JUNE

Sean Penn interrupts a U2 concert to save the children of Haiti, and punches Bono in the face. In related news, Haiti continues to languish in abject poverty while disaster capitalists build exclusive resorts and start work tapping that sweet crude.

JULY

A vast, complex marijuana grow operation in the wilderness near Montana’s border with Canada will be discovered and busted, providing a good opportunity to militarize national parks with homeland security and drone surveillance. In related news, Lake County law enforcement will still be good ‘ol boys.

AUGUST

Being one of three states with a budget surplus comes in handy when a fire season that makes 2000 look like a campfire rages across the west.

SEPTEMBER

David Burgert, Montana’s recent contribution to America’s Most Wanted, is tracked down and taken out by federal authorities in Idaho. Montana Republicans continue to downplay how deep this vein of right-wing extremism runs in their ranks.

NOVEMBER

Turkey backs Iran and China while Russia throws in with Europe as India hits Pakistan. Elections in the US are suspended. Cuba provides a staging ground for first strikes against Venezuela. In obviously unrelated news, Ron Paul quietly dies of a heart attack.

DECEMBER

As global events appear to be spiraling out of control, aliens make brazen contact, offering humanity a chance to redefine their relationship with the natural world with an inexhaustible form of clean energy. When the details of this plan are leaked, including an alien ban on terrestrial television, America is the only country to deny the deal, causing the aliens to isolate America with an impenetrable force field. Outside the force field humanity experiences a degree of peace previously unknown in its entire history of existence. Inside the force field, a real-life version of Mad Max Thunderdome ensues.

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  1. ‘Love your prediction for February, and I’m not convinced it won’t actually happen (except of course the “lowering rates” part).

    Happy New Year, folks.

  2. esau

    just a freak from missoula who listened to thom hartmann everyday for three years and this is my home page.

  3. Ingemar Johansson

    I liked these.

    2. Mitt selects Marco Rubio as his running mate and goes on to be elected President of the United States. But it’s a much closer election than many think, nearly as close as the 2000 race, and comes down to the final vote count in Ohio. We don’t find out the eventual winner until it is decided by the Supreme Court. Unable to bear the specter of reliving the nightmare all over again, Senator Al Franken falls into a fit of despair, flies to Cleveland and sets himself on fire like that fruit vendor guy who started the Arab Spring.

    5. Twenty years too late, in March, we finally get cost effective, mass produced flying cars. Unfortunately, the TSA immediately places so many restrictions on getting into one that most people throw up their hands in frustration and go back to driving their SUVs. A few finally do get hold of them by August, though. The following day the GEICO Gecko is killed while filming their first flying car insurance advertisement when the AFLAC duck gets sucked into his car’s engine. Ironically, the flaming wreckage crashes into the State Farm HQ building, burning it to the ground. Conspiracy theories mount when a YouTube video of the incident shows that annoying woman named Flo from Progressive’s ads chuckling evilly near the crash site.

    • Ingemar Johansson

      This one’s good too.

      8. Some areas of the Earth will experience dramatic, violent weather, immediately prompting Al Gore to make millions of additional dollars. A series of violent tornadoes surprise everyone by occurring in a place known as “Tornado Ally” which are then blamed on the Keystone XL pipeline, even though construction has still not begun on it. Obama immediately cancels Keystone XL yet again, gaining a three point bump in popularity among self described “Eco-warriors.”




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