Obama’s Secret Plan to Weaponize Max Baucus Against China

by lizard

So, Dr. Evil exists, and he’s Chinese. Just close your eyes and imagine America’s squinty-eyed nemesis stroking his fu-manchu before hitting the kill switch. This is serious, and totally not some fictionalized, racist caricature of China. Not at all.

The reason I know this to be true is because 60 Minutes. Here’s the exchange that amazingly discloses how this dastardly plot was thwarted by the noble and absolutely patriotic NSA:

John Miller: Could a foreign country tomorrow topple our financial system?

Gen. Keith Alexander: I believe that a foreign nation could impact and destroy major portions of our financial system, yes.

John Miller: How much of it could we stop?

Gen. Keith Alexander: Well, right now it would be difficult to stop it because our ability to see it is limited.

One they did see coming was called the BIOS Plot. It could have been catastrophic for the United States. While the NSA would not name the country behind it, cyber security experts briefed on the operation told us it was China. Debora Plunkett directs cyber defense for the NSA and for the first time, discusses the agency’s role in discovering the plot.

Debora Plunkett: One of our analysts actually saw that the nation state had the intention to develop and to deliver, to actually use this capability—to destroy computers.

John Miller: To destroy computers.

Debora Plunkett: To destroy computers. So the BIOS is a basic input, output system. It’s, like, the foundational component firmware of a computer. You start your computer up. The BIOS kicks in. It activates hardware. It activates the operating system. It turns on the computer.

This is the BIOS system which starts most computers. The attack would have been disguised as a request for a software update. If the user agreed, the virus would’ve infected the computer.

John Miller: So, this basically would have gone into the system that starts up the computer, runs the systems, tells it what to do.

Debora Plunkett: That’s right.

John Miller: —and basically turned it into a cinderblock.

Debora Plunkett: A brick.

John Miller: And after that, there wouldn’t be much you could do with that computer.

Debora Plunkett: That’s right. Think about the impact of that across the entire globe. It could literally take down the U.S. economy.

John Miller: I don’t mean to be flip about this. But it has a kind of a little Dr. Evil quality—to it that, “I’m going to develop a program that can destroy every computer in the world.” It sounds almost unbelievable.

Debora Plunkett: Don’t be fooled. There are absolutely nation states who have the capability and the intentions to do just that.

John Miller: And based on what you learned here at NSA. Would it have worked?

Debora Plunkett: We believe it would have. Yes.

While the NSA is wrapping up America in a warm blanket of safety against Chinese cyber-suicide bombers, Barack Obama has a plan to go on the offensive.

And that plan’s name is Max Baucus:

A Democratic official said Mr. Obama settled on Mr. Baucus to succeed Gary Locke, the current ambassador, for reasons that include his efforts to bring down trade barriers between China and the United States and his insistence that “China play by internationally accepted rules” regarding currency, intellectual property, labor and human rights.

The senator’s departure would also remove a Democrat who has been a thorn in his party’s side, and would clear the way for Gov. Steve Bullock of Montana to appoint a fellow Democrat, most likely Lt. Gov. John Walsh, as interim senator. Mr. Walsh, who has already declared for Mr. Baucus’s seat, would be a strong candidate next November in a race crucial to the party’s continued control of the chamber.

While I’m sure the giddiness of Max’s early departure will fuel speculation for days, here at 4&20 we have exclusive insight into the secret plan behind Max’s appointment.

Max Baucus is a weaponized corporate contagion sent to China to assimilate their population into the health-care dystopia his industry worker bees crafted for us in the states. To tantalize the Chinese leadership, he can share terrible stories like this:

A North Carolina mother is accusing security guards at a local hospital of forcibly ejecting her son from the hospital for being “uncooperative” — despite the fact that he was either dying or already dead.

Deborah Washington says her son A’Darrin Washington suffered from non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma and had been a patient at Cumberland County Hospital for ten years leading up to the November 2011 incident.

As a result of his disease, A’Darrin had frequent bouts of pneumonia, for which he was regularly hospitalized.

He was admitted on Nov. 14 for what doctors initially believed was bacterial pneumonia.

It wasn’t until a few days later that test showed he had been misdiagnosed, and was actually suffering from fungal pneumonia.

Being given multiple doses of the wrong medicine caused A’Darrin’s condition to worsen severely, but on Nov. 21, the same day he had finally been given a dose of the correct medicine, doctors ruled him stable enough to be discharged.

A’Darrin’s mother says her son was still too ill to leave, but hospital staff insisted.

So much so, that the following morning, a nurse called for security to escort A’Darrin out as he was being “uncooperative” and “refusing to talk or move.”

According to Washington, A’Darrin was being “unresponsive” because he was dying and had lost the ability to function.

In her complaint, Washington states that, before becoming unresponsive, A’Darrin “sought not to be discharged…[based] upon information and belief.”

But security guards from AlliedBarton Security Services hauled him out to the street just the same, according to the lawsuit filed by Washington against the security company.

As two hospital staff members “expressed concerns” for A’Darrin, the guards proceeded to load his body into a taxi and cross his legs for him.

Washington says the taxi driver believed A’Darrin may already be dead, but nonetheless drove him the 45 minutes it took to get him back home.

A’Darrin arrived “unresponsive and cold to the touch,” his mother alleges. He was officially pronounced dead a short while later.

Buzz all you want about Bullock’s next move, Obama just dealt a decisive blow to China.


  1. Big Swede

    Desperate times call for desperate measures.

  2. Craig Moore

    Seems like someone should fire up the Bat signal and call in Dr. Who to combat Dr. Evil.

  3. That’s one way to “take out” a primary challenger. Polling and fundraising might not be going as well as hoped for the annointed one.

  4. Big Swede

    Oh its gets better. Max is also going to China to maximize Montanans coal industry.

    Can you imagine? Tens of thousands of coal cars heading west, dripping with mercury ready to be dispensed in the coal stacks surrounding Beijing.


  5. larry kurtz

    prosaic yet profound prose, liz: all the best to you and yours, missoula.

  6. No worries, Swede, that’s clean coal.

  7. So this is the discussion we have?

    How about we start with this – Why Baucus? What has he done for China and Montana? Well, he has visited the country and worked with them before. We do have a tradition of sending Montanans to Asia. And I do like that coal comment, which makes sense in a way.

    So why not send Baucus? Well, what has he done for China/MT relations? This one goes both ways.

    Or is this just politics? And who do we want Bullock to choose? What are the odds?

    Walsh – 4:1
    Bohlinger – 3:5
    Williams – 1:10
    That Wilsaw Guy – 1:20
    Daines – 1:100+

    • d.g.

      Hell, Max Baucus is a glorified idiot who cashed in on his Kennedy-esque forehead and then cashed in on a genetic lack of ethics. Montana is a sad, easy sell. (Witness Conrad Burns.) Knowing in the cow-turd of his heart that he is a Hollow Man, Baucus has for decades yearned to be the shadow of the shadow of the shadow of Mike Mansfield. And “Go Griz” I bet five damned dollars Maxwell will have a faux bronze statue somewhere in Montana someday (let’s hope it’s somewhere on Stemple pass where a sheep ran across the road in 1968.)

  8. Greg,

    You are right, this is a serious matter. Bribes are commonplace when doing business in China. http://www.businessweek.com/magazine/content/10_29/b4187011931530.htm

    Baucus’s decades of congressional experience makes him highly qualified. It’s all about “the deal.” He’ll finally cash in, China will continue to rape and pillage Montana’s federally-subsidized natural resources, and Democrats may keep control of the Senate after all is said and done. Such a deal.

  9. Just a note on those Chinese comments.

    I saw that 60 minutes piece on Chinese telecom giant HuaWei back in February or so. After that you could not access that site without a VPN.

    I used to read the New York Times each morning, or at least the front page headlines, until they did a story on Wen Jiaobao and the $2 billion his family had. After that you could not access that site – I had to go to the Washington Post.

    The Chinese have very thin skins.

  10. d.g.

    WGAF? Why is 4&20 so attached to hyperbolic international chatter? The keyboard is such a Freudian substitute for putting your mouth to the microphone at City Council. Sycophants all.

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