Archive for January 26th, 2014

by lizard

In a 4&20 exclusive, I have obtained an early draft of President Obama’s State of the Union speech. According to one source inside the White House, this draft was hand written on a piece of notepad paper during a layover in Colorado. The source, who asked to remain anonymous, suggested the president may have been under the influence of mind-altering substances during the creation of this draft. You, dear reader, can judge for yourself:

My fellow Americans,

As your president, I’m required to tell you the state of our union is strong. Just ask the 25 year old who not only gets to live in his parents basement for free, he also gets to stay on his parents health care plan, which may have changed a little against their wishes, but hey, we’ll tweak it as we go.

Speaking of tweaking, I’ve heard the Alaskan Thunderfuck in Colorado burns so fine it’s flipping meth-heads. I think that’s great news for America. Maybe it’s time for a presidential decree to Eric to leash up his jackboots from raids and forfeitures as part of a federal campaign of terror against those who thought they were in compliance with state laws.

Dialing back my DoJ is just the beginning. Since every facet of my second term feels like a ten-ton weight around my neck, I’ve decided to make legalizing weed the main focus of my second term legacy. I’ve already gotten it cleared by the boys upstairs with the excessive taxation angle in return for eliminating taxes on capital gains. Weed isn’t a serious cartel product, so it won’t upset the CIA pipelines. I’m counting on old Boomers and young libertarians to give me the political cover I need to get it done. The left can celebrate one less tool to harass and oppress minority populations while continuing to ignore my terrible record on immigration.

Shifting to foreign policy, the central issue remains keeping Israel happy as they rev-up the apocalypse engines. This is going to take finesse. Thankfully I’ve turned PR for the state into an art-form. Strength can only be maintained through violence. It takes an artist to find comforting ways of conveying that necessity.

Basically, for me, it’s a new year dealing with the same old challenges of doing my thing while the real decisions get made somewhere else. Making it sound better than a hung-over frat speech is the job I ran for, and won. Trust me, it’s not easy.

But I go along because if I don’t, my family won’t get their seats on the alien escape pods hidden in the mountains of Colorado Springs.

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