Archive for the ‘Harold Camping’ Category

By Duganz

Oh man. I love me some nutty Christians. I do. I love them because every time a nutty Christian makes a big fuss I get to do a little atheist jig (which, by the way, looks like this). And after my jig I get to write snarky blog posts gently mocking the wee gentiles.

Many of you have probably already heard about Harold Camping, an adorable old man whose cute shar pei-like appearance is only matched by his adorable nuttiness.

Harold says that the Rapture, the Christian version of Mardi Gras (ironic, no?) where good Christians get to be taken up to Heaven while the rest of us heathens get to party (much like Mardi Gras, I suppose), is coming. Soon.

Hans Moleman, er, Harold, says the Rapture will happen on May 21–only 10 days from now. That means that we’ve only got 10 more days to put up with The Phelps Family Players, President W., and many more. Camping’s followers claim that 3percent of the world’s population, around 200million will be gone.

And you know what that means: JOBS! What’d you think of the bail out now Ron Paul?

Anyway…

New York Magazine actually interviewed this guy in a serious way, which seems to me like a waste of time, but, whatever. They at least went to the trouble of pointing out that this is Harold’s second prediction on the end of the world. I guess that’s okay because they got him to say this:

[The] Bible has every word in the original language — it was written by God. … [blah blah blah*] … In other words, when we get to May 21 on the calendar in any city or country in the world, and the clock says about — this is based on other verses in the Bible — when the clock says about 6 p.m., there’s going to be this tremendous earthquake that’s going to make the last earthquake in Japan seem like nothing in comparison.

And Harold knows what he’s talking about. Not only has he read the Bible (a book a friend once used in lieu of rolling papers), but he’s also got a camper painted with his prediction. And we all know how accurate Van Art is.

There’s also this exchange from the article that I think shows Harold’s critical thinking capabilities:

You haven’t thought about what you’ll tell your followers on May 22 if the Rapture doesn’t take place?
I’m not even thinking about that at all. It. Is. Going. To. Happen. Because I trust the Bible implicitly, the Bible is God’s word — it’s not from a man, it’s not from an organization of some kind where there’s plenty of room for error. It is the word of God. When God speaks that it is going to happen, the Bible is a very factual book, and God gives many examples of how he has made prophesies and it always has happened in exact accord with what God has prophesied.

I’ve underlined a few sentences from Harold’s quotes as a way for you to test yourself. But here they are again:

“…the Bible has every word in the original language — it was written by God.”

“…the Bible is a very factual book…”

If you read them and nod, then you’re on Camping’s side, please feel free to skip ahead to the comment section and call me atheist scum or post poorly Photoshopped effigies of me. If you read those sentences and gave a chortle, guffaw, chuckle, hoot or laugh, then you’ve obviously taken a science, or history class, or have read the Bible making notes of the constant inaccuracies and inconsistencies found throughout the text.

Regardless, good for you. Unfortunately if Camping is right you’ll be roasting ‘mallows with Lucifer, Dawkins and me (actually that sounds like a good time).

I’ll be in Hawaii during the Rapture, which means that you’ll be dead, ascended, or partying about 4 hours before me. Remember a few things: Drink lots of water, and always know your dealer.

Oh, and if anyone ever tells you they have intimate knowledge of a godhead take the time to point out that if said godhead was knowable it would cease to be a godhead. Point out that to be supernatural is to be unknowable, and then ask the person why their godhead would pick them of the 6billion living people to give this revelation to. Particularly if the crank telling you this jive looks like Hans Moleman.

*blah blahs added for emphasis.
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