A letter from Satan to Pat Robertson
by Pete Talbot
The letter below, sent by an alert reader who wishes to remain anonymous, has been making the rounds on the tubes.
It is in no way meant to make light of the suffering occurring in Haiti. The tragedy there is beyond our imagination. I post this to show the callousness of televangelist Pat Robertson’s comment that Haiti must have “made a pact with the devil” to incur such wrath. This guy gives Christians a bad name.
Jhwygirl provides us with some good links if you’d like to help in the relief effort.
Dear Pat Robertson,I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle.Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake. Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.Best,Satan
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4&20 blackbirds 
January 23, 2010 at 4:08 pm
I love good satire — and this is a great example. Thanks for the post.
January 23, 2010 at 10:58 pm
Dear Lot,
I writing this to thank you about your efforts in expediting the transfer of many souls to my fiery domain.
For without your communications with God and the angels of death the lake of fire may have flickered out. By emptying Sodom and Gomorra and stoking the flames with thousands the inferno will now burn into eternity.
Which brings me to your wife. Because of your efforts she receives ice chips on Tuesdays and Thursdays, a small token of my appreciation.
Stay Cool,
Satan
January 23, 2010 at 11:35 pm
what is it with you righties and the old testament swede?
the teachings of JC too generous toward “the wicked” for you?
“judge not, lest ye be judged.”
February 16, 2010 at 6:51 am
Dear problembear,
My beliefs in what God says in his Word does not make me a “righty” or anything else but a believer in Jesus Christ. What you seem to be lacking is the ability to see that the VERY FIRST JUDGMENTAL WORDS came from Pat Robertson, himself. Please excust me if I misunderstood your meaning. Christians have always been persecuted, even those who strive to be Christian with barely succeeding, which is the current state of the entire earth (Laodicea in Revelation). However, people who rake in, and I mean RAKE IN, millions upon millions and have so little so show that re-runs are broadcast many times over in less than a year. Sure, salaries exist, but to what extent? God says, “The love of money is the rool of all evil,” and Mr. Biblically-educated Pat Robertson devotes a full day every “MONEY MONDAY” to those who love money nearly as much as him. He is the one, or one of the ones, who claim to be such a judge with a voice on voice direct connection to God, Himself, as if God tells him why things are happening. Jesus foretold these things, and it is not just Haiti. Horrible events are ever-increasing and it is not because of some special covenant that Pat Robertson has with God. We are and our “holiness” is a filthy rags to God. God said the judgment will begin in the churches, and just look: (1) The churches in certain parts of the world are emptying, (2) what has become predominant in this world is a “feel good” and “itchy ears”, psychological form of Godliness as the Bible clearly states, but denying the power thereof. Pat’s fame on power seems to be declaring and being just as omniscient as God, Himself, and knowing every thought, inclination, and reason for what happens. He has elevated himself far ABOVE judge and jury. As far as he is concerned, God could take a break and let him carry out his wishes, which would be to rid the earth of what he considers his “special sins”, nearly one named on every single show. God said that if you have sinned once, you have broken ALL of the Commandments. Maybe someone should remind Mr. Robertson of that. By judging and picking on people instead of showing them ALL love, including his pet peaves, he is committing a mortal sin each and every time he does so. I am truly embarassed to have such a filthy rich, dirty old man representing the Christian community. God foretold it would be this way, and He also said to “come out of her, my people”. This was His command to leave the churches — Just look at them! They are pitiful and blind and poor and naked and don’t even know it (another quote from the last church of the current age: Laodicea). I think Pat should be the leader of this God-forsaken time of the dead churches. God is saving most of the people in these VERY FEW last days OUTSIDE of the churches, and rightfully so. The church age has ended, and God’s fury and Words of Truth are shining like a beaming rainbow. Let’s see what happen as the disasters continue more frequently, more intensely, and just maybe…just MAYBE Pat Robertson will have time to tell them why they have been judged, as well. However, don’t forget, the judging starts in the church—at the pulpit—with the “so-called” pastor who took oaths to love God, love his people, ALL PEOPLE, and not to judge. I wonder what God’s judgment will be for him? He will be one of the first in line. I know I’m not perfect in any way, but I dare not say anything about the disasters and deaths resulting. God has enough to judge me for. I don’t need to add anymore than possible. As far as his organization goes, I would be SO ashamed to be an employee of theirs. There are so many other ways to help the ill, the hurting, those caught in these awful disasters. We need noone claiming to be a “know-it-all” to use our common sense in a most direct way where we know our money is being put to the best use, rather than lining a man’s pockets that just loves, adores, and counts every penny every night in his multiple bank accounts, closets packed full of money, and anywhere else he can “stores of his treasures for the last days”, which is another quote from God’s Word. Simply put, not all the money in the world will save from the judgment, I think Pat Robertson thinks he can outdo God and tempt him, but he will be in for a great surprise! Read this, Mr. Robertson, and weep, for all of our days are coming, but for once you will be judged before me in the final judgment. I will have pity for you, more than most. ANOTHER COMMENT REPRESENTING MILLIONS YOU AND YOUR JUDGMENTAL, FALSE, FRAUDULENT ORGANIZATION THAT YOU HAVE OFFENDED. IF YOU HAVE OFFENDED US, THE ONES WHO HAPPEN TO LOVE GOD AND HAPPEN TO BE POOR, UNLIKE YOU, JUST IMAGINE HOW YOU HAVE OFFENDED GOD. MAY HE HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!!!!
January 23, 2010 at 11:51 pm
OK here’s S and G mentioned in the New Testament.
In Matthew 10:1-15, cf. Luke 10:1-12, Jesus declares certain cities more damnable than Sodom and Gomorrah, due to their response to Jesus’ disciples, in the light of greater grace (RSV):
“And if any one will not receive you or listen to your words, shake off the dust from your feet as you leave that house or town. Truly, I say to you, it shall be more tolerable on the day of judgment for the land of Sodom and Gomor’rah than for that town.”
Bonus round for all the terrorist buddies. The Koran.
The 7th sura, Al-A’raf, confirms that like the biblical account, the Islamic Sodom is referring to homosexuality and specifically homosexual rape.[25] In verse 80, Lut is quoted as asking the people of Sodom, “Do you commit the worst sin, such as none preceding you has committed in all of creation?” It is from this that Islam holds that the main sin for which Sodom was destroyed had not been committed by any people before them. Islam does, like Judaism, recognize many sins committed by the people of Sodom.
January 24, 2010 at 12:08 am
Beware of false profits.
Does robertson qualify? And where does it say to withhold help based on racist beliefs?
January 24, 2010 at 12:19 am
So Robertson’s a racist, and withholds help?
January 24, 2010 at 12:28 am
Would the good samaritan judge those who need help?
Robertson is false to christian beliefs.
January 24, 2010 at 12:56 am
Not so fast pb.
If Pat were to defend himself against the common “judge not”criticism it would probably go like this.
And, as a FEW examples of His desire for us to judge,
1Cor. 6:2-3 Do you not know that the saints [the saved; Christians] will judge the world? And if you are to judge the world, are you not competent to judge trivial cases? Do you not know that we will judge angels? How much more the things of this life!
Prov. 3:21 My son, preserve sound judgment and discernment, do not let them out of your sight;
John 7:24 Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment.
Jer. 22:3 Thus saith the LORD; Execute ye judgment and righteousness…
Phil. 1:10 so that you may be able to discern [judge] what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ…
Phil. 1:7 It is right for me to feel this way about all of you [judge you]…
Matt 7:1 seems to support the allusion that we are not to judge at all if we use small-vision tactics by focusing on only that small piece of the total of what Jesus was saying.
Look at John 7:24. There, Jesus tells us to judge, but to do so righteously. Righteously means to use the Truth of the Word to discern sins and not by appearances only. In 1Cor. 6:2-3 Jesus authorizes us to judge. Judge we must else we could not discern good from bad, proper from improper, righteousness from evil. But judge behavior, not the individual; the deed not the doer; the choice not the chooser. The individual/doer/chooser is accountable for his/her deed/choice, but judge the deed/choice in your judgment. Jesus could see a king in a shepherd boy. And an Apostle in a murderer. So while we must judge one’s behavior we must we try to nurture the goodness in an individual: to separate the deed from the doer.
January 24, 2010 at 1:08 am
What is righteous about condemning a nation of beggars who have suffered countless tragedies?
And deciding it is God’s will?
Who decides? A wealthy white man?
A false prophet?
I judge JC personally kicks robertson in the nuts before saint peter casts his self-righteous ass into Hell when he answers for this.
January 24, 2010 at 2:00 pm
Why is that a Christian who ponders wether or no this was God’s will create such a fuss.
Robertson didn’t cause the earthquake, in fact I’m sure his church and followers lead the way in contributions.
Let’s compare and contrast. Radical Islam beheads infidels, hangs homosexuals, stones Christians. They act as judge, jury and executioner. Yet their actions are given a pass.
Pat just made an Biblical observation. And you’re the guys who took in it the stones.
January 24, 2010 at 10:24 pm
It- is just the nature of the beast. Swede – you are merely saying “we are rational,they are not. Therefore, we are right to kill them.”
I would be that attitude goes back to long before your bullshit bible. It’s human rationalization. You’re just one more guy who thinks he is better than the people he wants to kill. In your case by proxy.
You are nothing Swede. You are as old as dirt. Your type has been with us since time immemorial. You don’t do the actual killing. You justify it via weak philosophy, and in your special case, YouTubes.
January 24, 2010 at 10:41 pm
I may be 50+, but at least I don’t view the armed services as medieval crusaders.
January 24, 2010 at 10:49 pm
DISCLAIMER: the following comment is meant to shock, not offend
hey swede, what happened to lot after he escaped the evil homosexuals in sodom?
answer: he was hiding in a cave with his daughters, and his daughters wanted babies, so they got daddy drunk and fucked him.
does that mean that because it’s in the bible incest is circumstantially acceptable?
January 24, 2010 at 10:59 pm
Did you want me to judge Lot’s daughters?
January 24, 2010 at 11:02 pm
i don’t want you to judge anyone. i just find your theological angle here rather interesting.
January 24, 2010 at 11:19 pm
but feel free to judge this piece of conspiratorial intrigue about achristian mafia. it’s out there.
February 7, 2010 at 11:12 pm
Dear Pat Robertson,
I was apalled to hear you state that the poor people in Haiti were suffering God’s judgment because of who they are. Jesus said wars, desolations are determined until the end, and he listed a host of other signs to indicate the closeness of his coming. Jesus loves us all and for you to sit there capitalizing on an exponential level and state that any other people or nation deserve God’s punishment for a disaster such as happened in Haiti makes you judge and jury. Jesus also stated that the judgment will start at the pulpit–the church–the pastors. Will you feel comfortable when God asks you to explain why you broadcasted to the world that Haiti’s people deserved what happened, how will you feel? What will you say to God? Will you feel guilty for your harsh, judgmental words while raking in the dough for the end-time? You should be ashamed and ask God for forgiveness. SINCERELY, ONE OF MILLIONS YOU HAVE OFFENDED
February 16, 2010 at 7:34 am
Dear Pat Robertson,
My beliefs in what God says in his Word does not make me a “righty” or anything else but a believer in Jesus Christ. What you seem to be lacking is the ability to see that the VERY FIRST JUDGMENTAL WORDS came from YOU, Pat Robertson, yourself. Please excuse me if I misunderstood your meaning, you know, judgmentalism and even the “you deserve it attitude” can be confusing (That was sarcastic if you didn’t recognize it!) Christians have always been persecuted, even those who strive to be Christian with barely succeeding, which is the current state of the entire earth (Laodicea in Revelation). However, people who rake in, and I mean RAKE IN, millions upon millions and have so little so show that re-runs are broadcast many times over in less than a year. Sure, salaries exist, but to what extent? God says, “The love of money is the rool of all evil,” and Mr. Biblically-educated Pat Robertson devotes a full day every “MONEY MONDAY” to those who love money nearly as much as him. He is the one, or one of the ones, who claim to be such a judge with a voice on voice direct connection to God, Himself, as if God tells him why things are happening. Jesus foretold these things, and it is not just Haiti. Horrible events are ever-increasing and it is not because of some special covenant that Pat Robertson has with God. We are and our “holiness” is a filthy rags to God. God said the judgment will begin in the churches, and just look: (1) The churches in certain parts of the world are emptying, (2) what has become predominant in this world is a “feel good” and “itchy ears”, psychological form of Godliness as the Bible clearly states, but denying the power thereof. Pat’s fame on power seems to be declaring and being just as omniscient as God, Himself, and knowing every thought, inclination, and reason for what happens. He has elevated himself far ABOVE judge and jury. As far as he is concerned, God could take a break and let him carry out his wishes, which would be to rid the earth of what he considers his “special sins”, nearly one named on every single show. God said that if you have sinned once, you have broken ALL of the Commandments. Maybe someone should remind Mr. Robertson of that. By judging and picking on people instead of showing them ALL love, including his pet peaves, he is committing a mortal sin each and every time he does so. I am truly embarassed to have such a filthy rich, dirty old man representing the Christian community. God foretold it would be this way, and He also said to “come out of her, my people”. This was His command to leave the churches — Just look at them! They are pitiful and blind and poor and naked and don’t even know it (another quote from the last church of the current age: Laodicea). I think Pat should be the leader of this God-forsaken time of the dead churches. God is saving most of the people in these VERY FEW last days OUTSIDE of the churches, and rightfully so. The church age has ended, and God’s fury and Words of Truth are shining like a beaming rainbow. Let’s see what happen as the disasters continue more frequently, more intensely, and just maybe…just MAYBE Pat Robertson will have time to tell them why they have been judged, as well. However, don’t forget, the judging starts in the church—at the pulpit—with the “so-called” pastor who took oaths to love God, love his people, ALL PEOPLE, and not to judge. I wonder what God’s judgment will be for him? He will be one of the first in line. I know I’m not perfect in any way, but I dare not say anything about the disasters and deaths resulting. God has enough to judge me for. I don’t need to add anymore than possible. As far as his organization goes, I would be SO ashamed to be an employee of theirs. There are so many other ways to help the ill, the hurting, those caught in these awful disasters. We need noone claiming to be a “know-it-all” to use our common sense in a most direct way where we know our money is being put to the best use, rather than lining a man’s pockets that just loves, adores, and counts every penny every night in his multiple bank accounts, closets packed full of money, and anywhere else he can “stores of his treasures for the last days”, which is another quote from God’s Word. Simply put, not all the money in the world will save from the judgment, I think Pat Robertson thinks he can outdo God and tempt him, but he will be in for a great surprise! Read this, Mr. Robertson, and weep, for all of our days are coming, but for once you will be judged before me in the final judgment. I will have pity for you, more than most. ANOTHER COMMENT REPRESENTING MILLIONS YOU AND YOUR JUDGMENTAL, FALSE, FRAUDULENT ORGANIZATION THAT YOU HAVE OFFENDED. IF YOU HAVE OFFENDED US, THE ONES WHO HAPPEN TO LOVE GOD AND HAPPEN TO BE POOR, UNLIKE YOU, JUST IMAGINE HOW YOU HAVE OFFENDED GOD. MAY HE HAVE MERCY ON YOUR SOUL!!!!