THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY STARTING WITH THE ELBOWING OUT OF CANDIDATES RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

December 30, 2011 in 2012 Election, Barack Obama, Humor, Montana
Tags: Bachman, Election, Gingrich, Obama, republicans

By Lesley Lotto

It doesn’t get any weirder than this does it?  The party of Ronald Reagan cannot make up its mind who to take to the election next year.  Another month, another front-runner.  Shall the candidate be a strong woman ala Michele Bachman or Sarah Palin, one of two Mormon men (only one of which is even remotely qualified), a bumbling, stumbling seemingly perpetually drunk cowboy Governor from Texas (been there, done that), a philanderer (been there squared) business mogul, a former Governor who’s even less exciting to watch than paint drying, a man with a last name you probably don’t want to Google, a Constitutionalist Congressman, an orange man with something resembling hair on his head, but alas not distracting enough to take away from his immeasurable arrogance or the former Speaker of the House whose own party chewed him up and spit him out back in the day.

From what I remember near the start of this whole charade…err New Year, it was Michele Bachman, the hot Congresswoman from Minnesota who was the front runner to face off with President Obama for the election in 2012.  Heck we’ve been talking about the 2012 election since January of 2008 when crazed racists came out of the wood work screaming “socialist”, claiming to be the so-called “Tea Party” of today and saying our President was going to take their hard-earned money like Robin Hood but not leave them with their weapons, for shame! Bachman was the Tea Party’s answer, her less government no more taxes message really seemed to resonate with that crowd.  They even gave her the soap box to respond to the President’s first joint address to Congress.  But it was super awkward, to say the least.  Apparently no one had clued her in that she should look into the camera, so she stared off into space leaving the Partiers holding their Tea with their jaws on the floor and no way to pick them back up.  Her campaign became sort of the what “made up story” will silly Michele say today as her husband spends their money buying her stylish pant suits and eye lash extensions.

Remember Tim Pawlenty?  Me either.

I didn’t even know much about Rick Santorum who also announced early on to crowds of people yawning.  So I Googled him, yeah I knew he was in the U.S. Senate, but what did he do or stand for I wondered and what made Rick think he was qualified? Wow, what Google comes up with should be censored and now I’ve lost interest…

Sarah Palin had been asked a gazillion times if she’d run after she shot on to the public stage the last go round, but she was hanging on to the bitter end, squeezing out every last dollar from the poor mid-westerners who pinned her up on the wall and gladly taking their last dollar that could have paid for the final mortgage payment before their unemployment ran out before she bailed.  Did anyone actually think she was in this for anything other than the cabbage? She did however meet with The Donald and his hair (does that thing have a leash?).

Trump said he was toying with the idea of running for President too because Obama was allowing China to have all of the power and we couldn’t have that. Heck his pinky alone has more talent in it than anyone else running on the Republican side and he saw no reason to allow any other buffoon stay on the trail and take the spotlight away from his comb over.  He was so up in arms about the economic meltdown that he cursed like a sailor at a ladies group who begged him to run and appeared breathlessly with his fur Stole, I mean handsomely coiffed hair, on cable show after cable show until the finale of “The Apprentice” aired which was when he bailed like Palin.

But then wait, there’s Chris Christie, that enigmatic Governor from New Jersey who’s slashing and cutting while shoe-horning himself into a government helicopter to catch his son’s school athletics.  He said over and over he wasn’t running for office, even asking “what do I have to do to get people to believe me, commit suicide?”. Uhm, wow dude.  There are no words.

Then it was Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas riding in on his white horse to the rescue.  Only the horse wasn’t really white, it was more like ash-gray with sickly spots all over it.  The guy sounds like he’s on any number of pills mixed with booze and always has these wacky looks on his face as he forgets key departments of government he wants to do away with, because heck, government’s too big and we should secede or somethin’.  It’s a miracle he’s still in this thing.

Does anyone remember Herman Cain?  He was the Godfather’s Pizza guy with a perpetual hard-on campaigning endlessly even though any number of women might have come out of the woodwork saying they’d been either harassed or in some sort of sordid affair with him.  He finally put his “campaign” (read: lengthy book tour, way to meet chicks) “on suspension” which was basically a huge relief to the racists, liberals and righty’s and anyone else he deemed was out to get him.  (I personally prayed he’d stay the front runner because nothing would have been more exciting to watch with my air-popped non-GMO Organic Popcorn than Cain trying to debate President Obama on Foreign Policy issues.)

Newt Gingrich looked like he was out months ago.  His campaign imploded at the same time it was revealed he had spent a little too much on his 3rd wife, Calista at Tiffanys and on vacations (lord knows you gotta keep a woman who looks like she’s perpetually scared somewhat smiling or all hell could break loose).  With all due respect to the Newster, he was booted out of one of the most powerful positions in the world by his own peeps!  The press keeps saying he’s the front runner and that he’s surging, but all I can think about is his goofy arrogance.  He proclaimed weeks ago that indeed he would be the nominee, but the people in Iowa, the state where the first primary is happening, haven’t allowed his surge.  He’s 4th in the Iowa polls as I write this.

Poor Mitt Romney, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.  He’s been campaigning since before it was cool.  He’s been out on the trail trying to win a seat, any seat, FOR YEARS. And since he has an ung-dly amount of money and can flip flop from one topic to the next without skipping a beat, you’d think he’d be the perfect candidate, but wait now there just a minute.  Shhh… he’s a Mormon.  We can’t have any of that.  I mean, first it’s a black socialist President, then a Fundamentalist in Magic Underwear?  No way! Way. Jon Huntsman is also a Mormon and the only one, sadly, of the entire lot that even knows what the heck he’s talking about.  But his previous alliance to Obama as the Ambassador to China is bad, really bad. Plus he believes in that Climate Change thingy.  He must not be wearing his magic underwear, because he usually gets a roll of the eye and 7th place.

And then there’s the poorest of them all, Ron Paul, another perennial POTUS candidate.  People really do seem to love Paul and his less government, fire everyone and make me King message.  He’s on top or maybe 2nd in Iowa depending on which poll you read.  I can’t figure out if I like or hate Dr. Paul. Plus there’s those “Newsletters”. Some of his platform makes perfect sense to me, while other parts don’t make any sense to me and that’s the rub right there.  The Republican candidates, much like their party can’t seem to make up their minds what they’re for.  It’s important for less government, but we want to tell women how to live and what they can do with their bodies, Paul, the former OB-GYN helped more than 4,000 babies come into the world.  If he fails to win the nod from his party, and since he’s said he’s not running again for Congress, he may have to spend his golden years on a throne back in Texas overseeing his own personal palace.  All hail the King or something.